It’s been a while since I blogged. After leaving the military I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression Anxiety and with Psoriatic Arthritis. All of this caused me to stop writing, to give up, to shut down. I was in a place where I felt lonely and afraid. I pushed everyone away, to include my husband. I felt like a burden to him due to all my issues. instead of my husband, he became my caregiver. In turn I failed to notice how it was draining him emotionally. I was so deep in my depression that I felt like it was time to take the jump into the inevitable abyss of death. The darkness had consumed the light in my soul. I was no longer the person he fell in love with. I failed to see that. After battling 2 yrs of depression anxiety and PTSD, I found the light at the end of the tunnel. It took a lot but I found it. Now its a never-ending battle because just like my light was gone I drained someone else’s light in the process, My husband’s light. I feel so guilty. I am better now, but I’m not the same person he fell in love with. I have created pain in him I never thought I would do. I fear sometimes that I have lost him as the love of my life, although he still says he loves me. That bond we had before is gone.
Emotional fatigue can be damaging in a relationship. It is hard for the caregiver as well. I never really thought about how it affected him, seeing me in such a dark place. I can honestly say I am glad I’m out of that darkness. The void of which many soldiers fail to come out of. I was close to being a statistic.
Its hard t explain to people why killing yourself is easier. Is not that we have given up, is the fact that we see the pain and suffering the struggle our loved ones have to endure and the guilt sets in. Having to battle demons in your head while battling your guilt for causing others strife can be emotionally tiring. It makes our irrational mind see that to stop the pain from others, we should remove the pain by removing ourselves from the picture.
I am better now, but there are days where I wake up to my feelings rushing back, the sadness the dark void. Then my daughter calling me or my son smiling that brings me back to earth. We never stop fighting them. we can suppress them for a little but to be honest is a never-ending battle.