I feel like the grinch this year. The fact is, I hate what Christmas stands for. It is no longer about giving, it is about who do I want to exploit this year for the presents I want. When I was a kid, Christmas was my favorite holiday. I loved putting up the tree with my family, getting the food ready with my grandmother, the smell of tamales inundated the house. It was my favorite holiday because it wasn’t about the presents, it was about the family time we spent as a whole.

Now that I am a parent and my grandmother no longer with us, Christmas doesn’t have the same meaning. It doesn’t feel the same to me. I wish it had the same meaning, I want my children to have that magical feeling I did as a child. The idea of trying to beat the sleep to get a peek of santa, and still miss him because you fell asleep waiting. Enjoying the time spent with family while eating great food and opening presents, even if they were small presents. My family used to celebrate Christmas all out and it was very joyous. Presents were given and it didn’t matter if they were big or small, the thing that mattered was the thought was there.

I noticed that this Joy we are suppose to have is no longer there. My grandmother, the matriarch of our family, was the inspiration for all of us. No longer will our house smell of tamales. No longer will we hear her laugh at her great grand children, and she will never meet mine.For the last 8 years that Joy she brought to holidays is but an empty void now.

I guess thats why we no longer enjoy the holidays. I try to make it a well worthy holiday for my children. Fake it till you make it is key. There is no tree in my household. Not because I don’t want to put one up, but because we are spending the holidays with my sister. Thats about 700 miles of distance between my house and hers. There is no reason to put up a tree.

i am trying to bring that joy back to my family. This year I am trying to convince the grown ups to make it a footed pajama party. I got my little nephew and my children pajamas in their christmas eve boxes full of goodies. I got my older two nephews goody boxes as well. I am planning to make this a great christmas. I  wonder if the Joy will return once we get through the void. Than maybe we can return to our family celebrations and enjoying each others company.

I see an end slowly coming to the void that’s hit our family, I hope that there is light that can disperse this void. That way we can enjoy the real reason for the holidays, for the joy, the love and the peace of family.